Vatican Christmas
Condom Drive
The Sovereign of Vatican City, Pope John Paul II, has created an incredible stir in the Theological Community with his visionary call for Churches world wide to participate in his VATICAN CHRISTMAS CONDOM DRIVE.
The Pope reveals that reading the following passage gave him a strange insight, perhaps a revelation;
(2Sam.1:8-9)
[...] "a sword fastened upon his loins in the sheath thereof; and as he went forth it fell out."
"And Joab said to Amasa, Art thou in health, my brother? And Joab took Amasa by the beard with the right hand to kiss him."
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To the great surprise of many, the Pope speculates that the above is perhaps an early reference to Condom usage, Joab is worried about Amasa's health after the "sword fastened to his loins" falls from it's "sheath". Could Joab be expressing concern about venereal disease before kissing Amasa and sharing his unsheathed sword?
The supreme Pastor of the Church goes on to say that most historians believe that Roman soldiers were the first people to use condoms. While fraternising with local women on long marches away from Rome, the soldiers used dried sheep intestines as sheaths for protecting themselves against disease, the most notorious of which was the "Mount Vesuvius Rash." So it is perhaps possible that Condoms were in use among the Jews and early Christians.
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How could it be that the early Christians knew of the use of condoms, but yet they are not explicitly mentioned in biblical text, the Supreme Pontiff wonders? Perhaps their use was not considered important. Perhaps the true Christian is concerned more with issues of holy marriage and the welfare of children than he is with sexual devices used by lawfully married followers.
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Pope John Paul II describe how he has obsessed and agonised over this issue, at first firmly believing in the Church's ban on condom usage, but then realising that perhaps a condom blessed in the name of the Lord and used with prayers of mercy and compassion could be worn by a devout catholic in need without displeasing God.
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The Prince of Apostles states that while the Church still continues to regard the use of regular condoms as a sin, the Holy See's theological laboratories have developed a Condom that Pope John Paul II has declared to be condoned by the Church and sacred to God.
This is Fantastic News for devout Catholics world wide, particularly poorer Catholics who are vulnerable to the ravages of unwanted pregnancy, the new Vatican Brand Condom will bring relief to many.
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In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in commemoration of his holy birthday, The Pope has issued a challenge to all Catholics and Global Neighbours to participate in his Great Vatican Christmas Condom Drive.
The Pope asks all to visit their local Catholic Church and give either whatever money they can or donate sheep intestines towards the Condom Drive so that the Vatican can manufacture and distribute it's new Holy Vatican Brand Condom to those in need.
Happyclown is thrilled to spread the word of the Vatican Christmas Condom Drive and encourages all Global Neighbours, Catholic and non-Catholic alike, to join the Pope in his mission of mercy and help the Vatican Brand Condom bring relief to poor catholics world wide.
