Project Mickey & Donald
Hello there! I am writing to tell you how honored I am to have been selected for this very prestigious and special award. You know, people often ask, "what's the secret?" "The secret to what?" I ask. The secret to my success? The secret to the success of the Disney corporation? The secret to smelling as good as I smell after eating sandwiches as big and stinky as the ones I often eat? Well, I guess the main reason I am writing is to reveal these secrets to you, the fans.
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Right off the bat I would like to point out that much of the success that has come my way has come through merchandising. Disney loves to make merchandise and the kids love to buy it. Whenever I get "artists" in my throne room pitching me an idea for the next Disney film I have to ask one simple question, "can we merchandise this stuff?" if the answer is no, than of course these buffoons are skinned alive and fed to my hounds. On the other hand, if the answer is yes we head straight into merchandise development. I find that a key factor in merchandising is making sure that we get it at cheap, cheap costs and than sell the merchandise at expensive, expensive, expensive prices. The best way to achieve this is the employment of sweatshops in countries run by dictatorships. Here I want to give thanks specifically to the Yangon factory in Burma. The Burmese make great business partners. You know, sometimes I think about the Burmese people and what it would be like to live under a military dictatorship and I feel kind of bad. I have to admit that I feel even worse when I realize that because the factory where they make our merchandise is 45% owned by the government, 50% of every dollar they make goes to further reign of terror thrust upon the Burmese people by an out of control military dictatorship. Then I realize that it costs us almost nothing to have this stuff made and I smile. Then I light a huge cigar with a thousand-dollar bill and have my slaves make me a huge sandwich.
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Michael Eisner, CEO Walt Disney Company
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Sandwich? That's right! As I mentioned I also enjoy huge stinky sandwiches. I enjoy eating them in front of starving street people in Los Angeles. "But," you ask, "if the sandwiches smell so bad?. Why do you smell so good?" Thus, my friends we arrive at the second key to my great position in the world. Everyday before I go to work, and after I eat a sandwich, I strip naked and bath in sweet smelling perfume. I believe that it not only makes me smell good but that it also gives me the powers of a roman emperor divinely ordained by the gods to rule over the simpletons who crawl at my sweet smelling feet. But I have another secret and so I cannot dwell on my nude bathing habits as long as I would if we were to meet face to face.
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The third and final secret to my success is the great entertainment that we at Disney put out. What many people do not realize is that Disney isn't just about cartoons. Of Course Mickey and Donald are still very important to us, as are Simba and that erotic nymph who needs a little "Eisner-inside-her" named Pocahontas. But we also put out high quality films such as Last Dance, Another Stakeout, Mad Love, Sister act 2: Back in the Habit, and, of course, Armageddon. While these titles appear to cover a wide variety of subject matter they do share one common element: they are all complete crap. And this is my point. We at Disney trumpet a parade of films that are just plain crappy yet the kids lick it up. Why? Because I am the master of deception and brainwashing technique. That's right kids; lick it up, lick it up. My films will rot your brain until you get brain damage. But don't worry. I'll give you a job playing Mickey at Euro-Disney. Ah Euro-Disney! It is so nice to know that the most popular attraction in France is our idealized version of America. Now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting to attend. I believe this week's topic is "How to suck more money from the gullible public."
Love always,
Michael Eisner, CEO Walt Disney Company
P.S. I'll tell mickey you said hi!