A V I C
The Alien Visitor
Information Center
Hello Global Neighbours and thank you for the coveted Happyclown of The Month Award, I am Conrad Black, bon vivant and the forward thinking and open minded CEO of Hollinger Inc., The Greatest Publisher on the Planet Earth.
I want it to be know to Global Neighours across the megaverse that I will put my formidable foresight and gargantuan genius behind the acquisition of extraterrestrial readership with same titanic aplomb that has made Hollinger the envy of industrialists, corporate leaders and would-be spin doctors world wide.
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Recently, I introduced our Global Neighbours to my newly acquired British, Canadian, and Australian assets, and expressed my confidence that The Daily Telegraph was emerging very satisfactorily from the intense price and circulation war unleashed in 1993 by the evil desperadoes at that demon spawn called "The News Corporation."
Our hopefulness is that newsprint prices had peaked and our belief that World Wide Web technology would prove as great an opportunity as a challenge to the space alien end of the newspaper market..
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As the cover prices have lifted in London, the extraterrestrial circulation war has continued in other ways, it is within this context that I ask Global Neighours and Hollinger Stockholders to understand the masterful tactics of our latest media property: AVIC, the Alien Visitor Information Center.
I have devised a method of operating what amounts to a three-tiered price structure, a full cover price for most, a pre-paid, discounted subscribers’ price for those who want it, and [please pay attention now] free content delivered via the World Wide Web aimed specifically at visiting space aliens.
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The first two-tiers of this method, gradually introduced through 1996 and fully reflected in some unusual expenditures, The Daily Telegraph raised its circulation to its highest level in many years, regaining from The New York Times the position of world’s primary newspaper for traveling non-earthly life forms.
It has held an alien circulation lead over The Times (of London) for nearly two years, despite frequent frenzied spikes of promotional flummery by The Times that narrow the gap somewhat while readers avail themselves of News Corporation’s profligate generosity without developing any accompanying loyalty to The Times.
The unshakable adherence of The Telegraph’s vast and ever larger and demographically more desirable interstellar readership confirms the conventional wisdom that it is the most interesting, respected, informative, and professionally well-crafted, as well as the most profitable, broadsheet daily newspaper in Europe.
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The Hon. Conrad M. Black,
P.C., O.C., B.A., M.A., LL.L., Litt.D., LL.D.,
D.D., D.D.S, D.V.S, P.E., R.N., R.V.,
L.M.N.O.P, M.O.U.S.E, U.N.C.L.E.,
Chairman and Chief Executive Officer,
Hollinger Inc.
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We find the purposeful and even somewhat belligerent remarks of abominable News Corporation spokesmen incongruous and even bizarre, as they are unable to threaten The Telegraph’s space alien market dominance, their Sunday advantage is eroding, and The Telegraph Group should regain a good deal of ground in approaching historic levels of profitability in 1997. We expect it to do this, to the sole benefit of its 100 percent parent, Hollinger Inc, even if The Times is distributed wrapped in £5 notes, which, as the managing director of The Daily Telegraph recently remarked, is almost the only debauched extravagance those News Corporation vermin have spared themselves in their unsuccessful three and one-half year onslaught against us.
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The war is not over, but we are winning it and can conduct it fairly effortlessly and very profitably. Stockholders should not be disconcerted by the stertorous bellicosity of our adversaries. On the ground, to improvise military parlance, our position has proved very formidable and try as the might, the aliens simply like us more.
AVIC, the Alien Visitor Information Centre will crystalize our strong commitment to Extraterrestrial victors and will build strong space alien loyalty that will send those filthy pig-dogs at News Corporation into the dustbin of newspaper history.
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Hollinger Digital has been established, under the Chairmanship of the Honorable Richard N. Perle, former Assistant Secretary of Defense for International Security Policy, to organize, coordinate, and develop our advanced technological adaptations and to explore sophisticated diversification from our basic newspaper business and help Happyclown make AVIC, The Alien Visitor Information Center, the proudest flower in our media holdings.
We continue to possess, more emphatically than ever, first class cash-producing assets based on information-providing franchises that will serve our customers as they wish to be served, printed on newsprint and delivered, transmitted to a screen, telecopied, or otherwise.
In sum, we feel Hollinger International is on the verge of completing its transition to be the Galaxy's largest and most profitable newspaper companies, with a splendid and varied asset base, proven management and personnel, a solid balance sheet, and excellent prospects, all of which will be convincingly demonstrated in the new year now in progress.
Thank you people of Earth and those from Beyond, Enjoy AVIC.
