# Customer Oriented Marketing

(true, chuckle)
From the rec.humor.funny joke archives.

Those of you in California have surely heard the Unocal commercials which have some grease monkey from Unocal actually making house calls to do maintenance or check the oil or whatever. Our new slogan is "At Unocal, We're Still a SERVICE Station." Well, maybe at some stations. The Unocal I work at is a self-serve only and I spend my whole shift in a bullet-resistant glass box. (BTW, if "bullet-resistant glass" is to "bullet-proof glass" what "water- resistant watches" are to "water-proof watches" then I don't feel terribly safe...)

Anyway, to spruce up our customer relations, Unocal sent our booth a workbook entitled "Customer Oriented Marketing: Deliver the Attitude." It is basically a quiz-book testing all of the booth attendants on how to treat our beloved customers. The boss is supposed to test us all using the book and presumably our job depends on a good score.

Not just any dummy can walk in off the street and become a booth attendant at Unocal.

For the enjoyment of the reading audience, I here present a few sample questions from the workbook:

[Ed: The quiz is pretty amusing, but I have also added the funny cynical answers provided for this quiz in a later posting by Dave Decot, decot@hpcupt1.cup.hp.com]

o Customer-Oriented Marketing is looking at our job through the customer's (eyes/file).

[wallet]

o A good opening to a customer who voices a complaint is, "I'm (sorry/upset) you are having a problem."

[certain that psychologically]

o Remember, arguing with the customer can only make a bad situation (worse/better).

[more entertaining]

o Make positive contact with your customers by being friendly, (bashful/enthusiastic), open and interested.

[flirtatious]

o Using a customer's name and saying "thank you" are examples of (pushy/friendly) service.

[patronizing]

o While working with your present customer, (acknowledge/ ignore) a waiting customer.

[become interested in and leave the premises with]

o Customers feel you are happy to have their business when you smile and say (nothing/thank you).

["The gas is free today."]

o Friendly service is giving the customer your full attention and making (eye/hand) contact.

[felonious intimate]

o One way to show customers full attention is to call them by (phone/name) whenever possible.

[obnoxious childhood nicknames]

o Keep the station (cluttered/neat) and clean so customers do not take their business elsewhere.

[empty]

o Use the intercom for customer assistance and (safety/ entertainment).

[inaudibility]

A good opening to a complaining customer could be to tell them you are:
a) excited
b) pleased
c) happy
d) sorry

[extremely busy and tired of their whining]

Customers waiting for island service should be:
a) patient
b) ignored
c) acknowledged
d) important

[advised on airfare deals to Tahiti]

What kind of service should customers get?
a) quick
b) friendly
c) professional
d) all of the above

[incomprehensible, greasy, and fear-inducing]

One way to give customers personal attention is to:
a) only accept credit cards
b) ignore them
c) call them by name
d) talk to two customers at once

[encourage them to join you in the booth]