The Ishmael Gradsdovic Papers, part twenty-two


The twenty-third annual conference of venereal disease is the subject of the twenty-second installment of the Ishmael Gradsdovic papers...


17 July 1994

I didn't feel drunk. I had a couple of shots of Jagermeister, a couple of shots of vodka, some schnopps, a beer, a sip or two of a lambic, and a half-glass of this spiked grape juice that must have been about 40 proof or so. Strange, sometimes I'll have a beer with dinner and feel tipsy. That night I hardly felt any effects at all. Even later when I was smoking out with 1-----, 2----- and 3----- out back, I didn't feel too zapped.

4----- split early; I gave her the keys so she could let herself in, and told her I'd be along later. But alas, 5----- (my ride) thought I'd already left when he left, and split without me. 6----- was absolutely tanked, and kept coming outside, naked as a jaybird, and saying "I'm as naked as a jay bird. Anybody got any pot?" before stumbling back inside.

2----- is a very nice, friendly, happy-go-lucky person. In the dark, when nobody is saying much, she's as sexy as they come. Strong and smooth and round in the right places and with a very comfortable way of getting frisky. If I'd brought a condom, I woulda used it. But I didn't. So naturally I declined her offer of fabulous intercourse. Not. My brain has a very rigid sense of safe and unsafe sexual behavior. I know exactly what to do in all circumstances. Unfortunately, just south of my navel is an override lever which was in the "on" position at the time. Bastard.

We're here at the twenty-third annual conference on venereal disease, being held at the luxurious Legionnaire's memorial building air conditioning duct here in Lawrence, Kansas, where we've switched the fine coffee normally served with Folger's crystals. Let's take a look, shall we?

Crabs (Keynote speaker): ...continues to increase, as people spread like a terrific case of pubic lice all over the planet, possibilities for market expansion, for "niche" marketing perhaps...

Audience: [chuckle]

Crabs: ...continue. The myth is that we are in competition. In fact as our Decade Award recipient AIDS has demonstrated, one of us can ride in on another's coattails. You see a festering chancre and say "I'm too late to the party;" I see a welcome mat. It is through cooperation, and through knowing the territory that we will continue one of the world's great success stories.

Audience: [applause]

Crabs: The admittedly wider-spread use of condoms has only slowed our meteoric rise. The government propaganda campaigns against us have been mere annoyances. We continue to work, as we always have, on a one-to-one, individual basis: relationship marketing of the first degree. Our opponents are engaging in anachronistic mass marketing efforts and social pressure campaigns. Our real enemy, ladies and gentlemen, viruses and parasites, bacteria and fungal outbreaks one and all, is this:

[ Crabs flips on the overhead, a human brain schematic appears ]

Audience: [hiss]

Crabs: Yes, though we may look enticing at a distance, up close the human brain regards us as a foul enemy and will stop at nothing to deter us. Luckily, we have found an override switch, right under our noses. [takes a sip of coffee, spits it all over venereal warts, acting emcee] What is this shit! Tastes like nonoxynol-9! Ah, but anyway, our salvation:

[ black-and-white illustration of the flaccid human penis ]

Audience: [screams of delight]

Crabs: The override switch, shown here in the "on" position:

[ black-and-white illustration of the erect human penis ]

Audience: [frenzied drooling, scattering of folding metal chairs, a jumping up-and-down and careening around the room like baboons with electrodes in their pleasure centers running on a dry day in a freshly- carpeted room full of metal doorknobs]

Crabs: Observe the following encounter, captured by hidden camera:

She: Oh [bleep] I want you now.

He: You know what, I forgot to bring a condom.

She: Me, too.

He: Don't suppose you want to knock on [bleep]'s door and ask for one, do you?

She: Nope. You?

He: Nope.

Crabs: These are not actors! Look there... right there... under her hand. The override switch. And it's on. Now listen:

He: Tell me you're safe.

She: I'm safe.

He: Good enough for me...

Audience: [starting to get nasty. Chlamydia is giving Herpes Gonorrhea.]

Crabs: And I can't resist showing you this clip from the next day.

He: So what was that girl's name again?

He #2: [bleep]... You're not saying...

He: Afraid so.

He #2: Didn't [bleep] warn you about her?

He: No. Nobody warned me about anything.

He #2: Remember the great Scabies scare of 1993?

Scabies: [(A bit drunk, still) Sets off one of those horns powered by compressed air. Feedback rips through the sound system]

He: [unintelligible through the feedback]

He #2: Well, you just slept with the vector.

Crabs: Huzzah! Another satisfied customer.

Audience: [Wild cheers]

Crabs: And what's more, we're working on new models due out at any time now -- models that automatically set the override switch in the on position and lock it there, sending the customer on a massive spending spree that will make Typhoid Mary look like Jocilyn Elders. We're working on a similar model for women. The future is ours. Thank you and goodnight. See you in Vegas next Valentine's Day!

Audience: [Yet wilder cheers]




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